Our Story, Part 5

I can't believe that in my last post, I forgot to include the fact that Cyrus was unable to keep his "January 1st" promise to me.  He made it until December.  To his credit, he voluntarily disclosed to me quickly that he had messed up.  But it was so hard to accept.  It was the first time he had directly and obviously broken a firm promise to me.  Why had he promised that if he was not able to keep the promise?  Why wasn't he able to keep that one simple promise?  I could have kept the same promise.  In fact, I didn't look at porn from September to January 1st that year.  It has been easy for me to stay away from porn.

So, we continued to slog through.  I'm not sure what part of our story to include next, so I think that I will interrupt this narrative to discuss honesty.  I feel like there are two components to the betrayal of the spouse of a sex addict: there's the sexual acting out, and there's the dishonesty to hide the sexual acting out.  Most women I have talked to (and there are many women I have talked to) agree that the lying harms the relationship even more than the sexual behavior.  It just feels intolerable.

I have had to deal with implicit dishonesty (not disclosing to me something that I didn't know) much more than explicit dishonesty (lying when asked a direct question).  There were almost eight years of implicit dishonesty.  The dishonesty was the fact that my husband was a pornography addict and I did not know it.  At any point, he could have told me but he did not.  I never asked him about  pornography at all, since I was sure that he would never.  So there wasn't any explicit dishonesty on this topic during that time period.  But dealing with the fact of 8 years of implicit honesty has been difficult.

Since D-Day, there has been almost no implicit dishonesty, and as far as I know, no explicit dishonesty at all.  In other words, as far as I know, Cyrus has never lied to me when I have asked him a direct question.  And there have been very few incidences of sexual acting out when he has not quickly come to me and disclosed what had happened.  There have been a few times when he told me later that he had not disclosed to me what had happened at the time, but he did eventually disclose them, and did not directly lie.

It sounds like I am trying to defend him, and that is not the tone I meant this post to take.  The fact that he has ever acted out with porn absolutely SUCKS ROTTEN MEAT, but I am still glad that he has not enlarged the injury to me by hiding the situation from me, and by not directly lying when asked.

I feel fairly comfortable in my assumption that he has been and continues to be honest because of two things:

1. His life now shows evidence of the recovery efforts he is making.  He is changing into a different, more connected, present and caring man.  I don't think he could be as different as he is from what he used to be if he were continuing the behavior and hiding it from me.
2. He has voluntarily disclosed so many uncomfortable incidences to me.  He has started conversations with absolute dread, knowing that I would be both completely pissed and completely hurt.  But he has found the courage to start those conversations, over and over.

Anyway, the reason why I am focusing so much on his honesty is that it makes me feel like we have the best case scenario within this worst case scenario.  My husband is a porn addict, he took a long time to tell me, and he has continued to relapse much longer than I was prepared to deal with.  But he voluntarily told me, I have never caught him acting out, and he is committed to both honesty with me, and strong efforts toward his own recovery.

I told Cyrus years ago that it is my right as his wife to react however I would like to to his relapses.  I can be gracious and forgiving, or I can be an absolute bitch and throw a fit, or I can draw a firm line.  It is up to me, and it is my right to decide.  If he does not let me know when those relapses occur, he is depriving me of my right to react.  It is not right.

Also, it is terrifying to stay in a relationship and try to invest myself in it if I do not know where I stand.  What if the ground I am standing on is shakier than I think it is?  What if there is no ground under my feet at all, and I am about to plummet a la Wile E. Coyote?  How could I possibly be vulnerable emotionally or physically with my husband if I do not know whether he is being faithful to me?  Isn't that just setting myself up to be unimaginably hurt (again)?  No thank you.

So despite the fact that I am married to a porn addict, and despite the fact that I have felt so much pain, there is a part of me that also feels grateful.  My husband is now committed to being honest with me.  I can trust that I do not have to wonder whether there is ground beneath my feet, because he will tell me when there is not, or when it is uneven or shaky.  That is not to say that everything is smooth sailing in our relationship; there is still so much trauma related to his addiction.  But at least, he is not compounding that trauma by being either implicitly or explicitly dishonest.