Cyrus and I met in college. We were both seeing other people when we met, so there was no romance involved; we just became best friends. And when I say "just" became best friends, there was no "just" about it. We quickly and easily slid into this easy connection where we deeply related to each other and enjoyed spending time together. It took no effort. It was just relaxed and wonderful. It was so innocent! We were so innocent! There really was no romance involved.
We spent several years apart (for LDS missions) and by the time we got back together, both of our prior romantic relationships had ended. We had stayed in touch and still felt deeply connected. Romance easily added itself as the last essential component of our friendship. We already knew each other so well that by the time we came to see that we had romantic feelings, there was no wondering whether we would be compatible. We were just absolutely delighted that we had found a way to continue our friendship permanently. We really really wanted to marry each other, and so we did.
He's still my favorite person I have ever met. I am drawn to him. My heart doesn't wait around to ask my permission before it reaches toward him.
Our adjustment to the early years of marriage seemed normal to me. We got along and didn't fight. I had difficulty adjusting to him getting over the obsessive phase of a romantic relationship. He didn't lose interest in me, so much as remember that he was also interested in other things. He would get absorbed in something, and I would feel pangs of desire to again be the entire focus of his attention and so I would try desperate and inane attempts at conversation to try to get him to look at me again.
In hindsight, I think we were both slightly unusual in this situation. I was somewhat extreme in how desperately I wanted his attention and validation. He was somewhat extreme in the amount to which he would temporarily disengage. I feel like learning to be emotionally self-sufficient was a trait that I needed, and that Cyrus gave me reason to develop. If it had stopped when it reached an appropriate level, I would have been in great shape.
But neither Cyrus nor I understood the amount of desire for connectedness that was healthy and appropriate in a marriage. He trained me to not look to him at all to have my emotional needs met. The message that I heard from him and that I came to believe was that it was unhealthy and unfair to expect him to be there for me emotionally. So I took it to heart and tried so hard to not be a needy wife. In his defense, he believed what he was preaching; he wasn't trying to trick me.
Anyway, so this dynamic in our relationship led to him having the freedom to do whatever the heck he wanted with no repercussions. It led me to believe that loving him meant being ok with whatever he chose to do. So when Cyrus got deeper and deeper into his video gaming habit, and less and less emotionally available to me, I just watched it happen, and did my best to suck it up and be self-reliant. I tried to rely on the Lord to meet my emotional needs.
One last dynamic to describe before telling what happened: for some reason (probably cultivated by him) I felt responsible to buffer between my husband and the unpleasantness of life. He was an overburdened graduate student, so I did everything I could think of to lighten his burden. I had so few expectations of him other than completing his education. I did the lion's share of the childcare, home care, financial duties, social obligations and everything else I could think of. If he was hungry, I brought him a sandwich. If he needed to apply to a graduate program, I did the entire application, leaving only the essay and the signature for him to complete. In hindsight, if I believed that loving him meant making his life as easy as possible, why did I believe so certainly that he loved me? He did not go out of his way to make my life as easy as possible.
You'll notice that nowhere in this post is there a reference to pornography or sex addiction. It's because for the first nearly 8 years of our marriage, there was no reference to pornography or sex addiction. I was completely and entirely unaware. I will save that component of our marriage for the next post.
No comments:
Post a Comment